There have been a few searches of people with whom my bridges had not yet been burned. I have found some former friends and co-workers and reached out to them. I am Facebook friends with my first serious boyfriend, as well as with one of my last. I'm not all the bad to all that many people. Some searches turn out good, some turn up nothing, and some do not have happy endings.
But, now I'm sad that I never got a chance to tell her what I wish I had. I would have said, "Thank you" for all the times she filled in as a mother to me, including me in family Christmases and Thanksgivings. I would have told her that I was sorry if what had happened between me and Rachel hurt her in any way. I would have said that she was right, that I should have heeded her advice, and that I did all that I could to keep our friendship in tact, but that I couldn't take the way that Rachel treated me towards the end. I would tell her that I'm happy today. That I married the man that Rachel got jealous over, said mean things about, and never liked, simply because he liked me. That she was a good mom. That she wasn't to blame for Rachel's behaviors as an adult. That it had nothing to do with her divorce from Rachel's father, or the fact that Rachel was adopted. These were all beliefs that I knew Rachel harbored and held over her mother's head. Her mother had been a victim of Rachel's meanness before I had. Maybe that was why she had warned me.
I guess I'm done cyberstalking today. Finding an obituary usually does that to me. It feels so final, at least as far as the searching goes. It reminds me that if I ever do decide that I want to contact Rachel, my time to do so could always be cut short. I still don't think that I'm ready to open that can of worms, but I will probably keep peeking around the corner at it.