"Our fatigue is often caused not by work, but by worry, frustration, and resentment."
~Dale Carnegie
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I have recently experienced feelings of resentment that were vast, consuming, and utterly maddening. They came out of the blue and rose up like the waves at high tide, unrelenting and with increasing size and intensity. Resentment made it difficult to see others in the way in which I had always viewed them. Resentment changed the way I looked. I didn't laugh. I didn't smile. I wore a permanent grimace and a shitty expression. I couldn't be happy, and I couldn't hide my unhappiness. What a joy I must have been to be around!

A weekend spent licking my wounds and getting some time and distance between myself and the situation gave me a little perspective on this latest emotional sucker punch. I can now see how resentment triggers my old, deep-seated core beliefs about being a victim--my victim mentality, as it was introduced to me. It stirred up those repetitive sentiments from my past...the "why do they do this to me?" and the "how can they take advantage of me like this?" I suddenly felt shame for allowing myself to give in to those feelings, for climbing right back onto the victim triangle that I worked so hard to extricate myself from years ago. And, I felt like an idiot for not recognizing it.
So, now I'm working on restoring my views of others to their pre-resentment status, including my view of myself. I'm practicing compassion towards myself and others in an effort to forgive myself and to forgive them, even if their wrongs only existed in my eyes. I'm staying conscious around what I can control and what is out of my control. And, I am examining what my expectations of others says about me and my beliefs.
All I can say is that this growth and development stuff sucks. Why can't I just be clueless and happy? Hmmmm.....now that would be a topic worth exploring.